This season has been riddled with mind struggles for me, leading to a deeper struggle with God over a situation that I had to face—one that had the potential to affect a very close relationship. I was stuck in a loop of poor me, and it wasn’t until I had been wrestling with my feelings that a friend set me straight with God’s Word and direction.
It reminded me of Jacob’s own struggle with God. After moving away and starting his family in Haran, God called Jacob to reconcile with his brother, Esau, after their painful falling out.
Jacob, with the help of his mother Rebekah, tricked Isaac, their father, into giving him the blessing that Esau was entitled to receive. This, of course, angered Esau, and he held a grudge against Jacob and threatened to kill him. Jacob fled. (See Genesis 27–28)
When it was time for Jacob to meet his brother, he sent his servants ahead to inform Esau of his return. They came back with news that Esau was on his way to meet Jacob—and bringing 400 men with him.
This terrified Jacob. He divided his people into two groups and sent his wives, female servants, sons, and possessions across the stream. Left alone with his thoughts and fears, a man suddenly appeared, and Jacob began to wrestle with him through the night. ( See Genesis 32)
Jacob was relentless until the man touched the socket of his hip, injuring it. Still, Jacob refused to let go until the man blessed him. So the man changed Jacob’s name to Israel, saying, “Because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.” (Genesis 32:28)
Jacob asked the man’s name, but he chose not to answer and instead blessed Jacob before departing. Jacob named the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.” (Genesis 32:30)
Jacob continued his journey to meet his brother with a limp. This encounter was remembered by generations of Israelites, who honored it by refraining from eating the tendon attached to the hip socket of an animal. (Genesis 32:32)
My own struggle reminded me that God sometimes calls us to wrestle with Him. He invites us to be vulnerable—to share our thoughts openly with Him, with ourselves, and with trusted believers so that He can realign our hearts to His will. It’s often in that tension, in the push and pull of fear and faith, that God redirects us onto His path—the one that is right and good for us.
One way I’ve learned to be vulnerable with myself is by spilling my thoughts out on paper. Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s Way, calls these morning pages. The idea is simple: release your thoughts onto paper—whatever they might be. Nothing is off-limits.
For me, this practice is freeing because I can spend a lot of time in my own head without truly acknowledging my feelings before God or others. Putting them on paper becomes an act of honesty—a kind of confession—allowing me to see what’s really there. What began as a writing habit has become a space where God gently reveals the difference between His path and mine.
As I cried out to God in this tug-of-war, He was doing a quiet work in me. Though I was accepting His truth, I was still setting limits on the situation instead of fully trusting Him. I believe it was because I had already been wrestling with my emotions that I was able to hear my friend when she gently rebuked me and followed her words with Scripture. She understood this emotional battle and knew I didn’t want to back down because of past hurt. But she also knew what God was truly calling me to do—and she loved me enough to speak that truth.
She shared a Bible verse that reminded me:
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.” (Colossians 3:12–17)
My friend reminded me that my treasured relationship was far more important than my past hurt.
Several days later, another trusted friend shared a devotional highlighting the same verse. One line in particular snapped my view back into focus: “We cannot allow ourselves to have an owner’s view of our relationships, as if they exist for the sole purpose of our happiness.” At that moment, I realized—that’s exactly what I had been doing.
When I finally released my pain and discomfort to God, peace came immediately. While I don’t have a physical limp like Jacob, I do carry an emotional scar from that wrestling. But for me, the scar isn’t a mark of fear—it’s a mark of love. Love for God, and love for the person who means so much to me. I trust God to carry me because I have wrestled with Him. And in that wrestling, blessings beyond measure have begun to unfold.
When we choose to step into the pit and grapple with God’s direction, He always delivers. When we open our hearts to trusted believers, they can help confirm the truth we’re resisting. In doing so, God “touches our hip joint”—reminding us of our dependence on Him and deepening our faith.
We may walk away with a limp, but the blessing of becoming more like Him—in spirit, soul, and body—is worth every step. It’s a reminder that God is enough to carry us through every season of transition.
